Thursday, September 16, 2010

On the Internet at Work 4

Sorry about yesterday, I forgot my file again. There's a lot today, so I hope you get a laugh or two.

How can you put 5 "and" in a row in a sentence and still be grammatically correct? (Answer at the bottom of the post.)

Redditor on Red Lobster: I love choosing which lobster gets to die. I rush up to the tank and make threatening gestures at the lobsters, if any rise to my challenge, I shall have his head.

Redditor on "The Laziest Thing You've Ever Done": Rolled my office chair while sitting on it into the bathroom, took a piss without getting up, washed my hands, then wheeled back to my desk.

Redditors on getting change back: "I prefer coins on bottom so that I can palm them and thus have greater control over them."

"When the coins are on top of the bills, I find that they slide around too easily and I more often drop them. I like it on top of the bills. That way I don't get dirty coin hands and I just slide the change into my pocket using the bills as a funnel. It's super quick and convenient."

"Somehow I don't think bills are cleaner than coins..."
"Yeah, but they don't make my hands smell like metal dick."

Having sex with the missus last night, I decide to try something new.
In mid-thrust, I completely freeze.
"What are you doing?"
"Something I learned from online porn. It's called 'buffering'."
God's joint.
$30 for a great quality remote-controlled helicopter.
More short comics.

A rabbi, an imam and a priest are on a boat, sinking quickly into the ocean. The imam says, "Praise be to Allah, we must save the children!" The rabbi says, "Screw the children!" The priest says, "Do we have time?"

A priest and an Imam are at a park. The priest says, "Hey, lets go blow those little kids." The imam says, "Into how many pieces?"

A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali under a tree. A caterpillar gets on the Romanian's shoulder. The Romanian throws the caterpillar at the Jew, the Jew throws the caterpillar at the Somali, the Somali picks up the caterpillar and eats it. Another caterpillar gets on the Romanian, the Romanian throws it at the Jew, the Jew picks it up and asks the Somali: "Do you want to buy a caterpillar?"

Three pregnant women were waiting in the doctor's waiting room for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for their respective babies.
Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.
"What was that?", the other two ask, curiously.
"Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby", she replies, patting her stomach affectionately.
Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting...
5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.
"What was that?", the other two enquire.
"Vitamin tablet", she replies, "Good for mommy, good for little baby" and she pats her stomach affectionately.
All 3 smile and continue busily with their knitting...
5 minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.
"What was that?" ask the other two.
"Thalidomide. I can't knit sleeves..." (Look it up if you need to.)

A woman goes out clubbing and meets a handsome black dude. They go back to her place after a night of partying and drinking.
As they're getting undressed, the woman slides up to the black dude and says, "Go on stud, show me what makes you black guys famous." So he stabs her and runs off with her purse.

What did the black woman call her 8 kids?
Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone
When she wanted to tell them apart, she would call them by their last names.

How did Helen Keller break her arm? She tried to read the speed limit on the highway.
What's the most violent book Hellen Keller ever read? A cheese grater.

Statistic: 9/11 Americans won't get this joke. But 7/7 Britains will.

Q: Why don't you ever see black people going on cruises?
A: They're not falling for that one again.

Q: What's the difference between a black man and a park bench?
A: A park bench can support a family.

Q: Why do black people only have nightmares?
A: Because the last one who had a dream got shot.

Q: What's the difference between a black man and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: How does a black woman fight crime?
A: She has an abortion.

Q: A Jewish kid asks his father, "Dad, can I have 5 dollars?"
A: His father replies, "4 dollars! What do you need 3 dollars for!"

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two Jews pulling on a penny

Q: Did you hear about the new Jewish automobile?
A: It stop on a dime to pick up a nickle.

Q: Why do Jews have big noses?
A: Free air.

Q: Why do Jews have long noses?
A: They lied about the holocaust.

Q: What's a Jewish dilemma?
A: Free bacon.

Q: What happens when a Jew with a hard on walks into a wall?
A: He breaks his nose.

Q: What's the worst thing about being a black Jew?
A: You have to sit at the back of the oven.

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

The landlord of a pub called 'The Pig And Whistle' asked a signwriter to make a new sign. When he saw it he thought that the words were too close together so he said to the signwriter “I want more space between Pig and And, and And and Whistle”.


  1. Thank you for the kind comments on my blog :)

  2. awesome jokes! Great start of the day, thanks!

  3. Well whadda ya know! Hehe I like this blog :)

  4. lol wow im going to use the and one on everyone

  5. Hilarious :D

    Out Rounding