Thursday, September 23, 2010

On the Internet at Work 5

I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” -- Mahatma Gandhi
Redditor on rude people at the movies: "I was at the midnight opening of The Dark Knight at a place which was dedicating 8 screens to it. Each room holds 300 people. 2400 people got in, and another 200 or so got turned away.
Before the movie started, the manager went into each theater and offered this speech. "Tonight is a complex sellout. That means we sold 2400 tickets for 2400 seats. There will not be an empty seat in the house. There will be no saving seats for friends that don't exist or dumping your coat or your bag in a seat next to you. Right now we have 8 people in the lobby who are telling me they have no place to sit. The movie will not start on any theater until they are seated. Also, turn off your cell phone now. If your phone rings, you start talking on it, or you start texting on it we will stop the movie and kick you out without a refund. I'm turning away 200 people who want to see this movie more than you do. A handful have elected to stick around and wait for some jackass who really doesn't want to be here to prove it. Am I making myself perfectly clear? Enjoy the movie."
The movie started 5 minutes later. Not a peep or slightest annoyance from the audience. It was a thing of beauty."
Replies - "That manager sounds like a bad-ass. Can we get him to run for office?"
"Yes, absolutely. "Stop speeding now. If you speed, tailgate other drivers, or behave aggressively on the road, we will stop you from driving and kick you out of the state without your car...Am I making myself perfectly clear? Enjoy the drive."
"There are millions of people in other countries waiting for you to break the law because they want to be here more than you do. Am I making myself perfectly clear? Enjoy the citizenship."
"There are billions of animals waiting for you to say or do something stupid because they want that brain more than you do. Am I making myself clear? Enjoy your existence."
"The are trillions of inanimate objects that are waiting for you to waste time on inane things because they want that consciousness more than you do. Am I making myself clear? Enjoy your sentience."
"There are innumerable people who are waiting for you to make a grammar mistake on the internet because they want to appear more literate than you. Am I making myself perfectly clear? Enjoy your choice of words."
"I'd just like to point out that Pope Benedict is an anagram of Epic Bent Pedo. That is all."
"One day I was forced to fill out some paper work. I started writing, everything's going alright, and then I noticed that I was going to have to write someone's name down. I'm writing their name until I hit the letter q, and I completely froze. I then proceeded to try 'p' and 'g' to see how I felt about those, before finally remembering how to write a 'q' properly. Weird day."
"Statistically speaking, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy."
Note: Relax, guys, I'm still at it. I expect you to do the same.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

On the Internet at Work 4

Sorry about yesterday, I forgot my file again. There's a lot today, so I hope you get a laugh or two.

How can you put 5 "and" in a row in a sentence and still be grammatically correct? (Answer at the bottom of the post.)

Redditor on Red Lobster: I love choosing which lobster gets to die. I rush up to the tank and make threatening gestures at the lobsters, if any rise to my challenge, I shall have his head.

Redditor on "The Laziest Thing You've Ever Done": Rolled my office chair while sitting on it into the bathroom, took a piss without getting up, washed my hands, then wheeled back to my desk.

Redditors on getting change back: "I prefer coins on bottom so that I can palm them and thus have greater control over them."

"When the coins are on top of the bills, I find that they slide around too easily and I more often drop them. I like it on top of the bills. That way I don't get dirty coin hands and I just slide the change into my pocket using the bills as a funnel. It's super quick and convenient."

"Somehow I don't think bills are cleaner than coins..."
"Yeah, but they don't make my hands smell like metal dick."

Having sex with the missus last night, I decide to try something new.
In mid-thrust, I completely freeze.
"What are you doing?"
"Something I learned from online porn. It's called 'buffering'."
God's joint.
$30 for a great quality remote-controlled helicopter.
More short comics.

A rabbi, an imam and a priest are on a boat, sinking quickly into the ocean. The imam says, "Praise be to Allah, we must save the children!" The rabbi says, "Screw the children!" The priest says, "Do we have time?"

A priest and an Imam are at a park. The priest says, "Hey, lets go blow those little kids." The imam says, "Into how many pieces?"

A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali under a tree. A caterpillar gets on the Romanian's shoulder. The Romanian throws the caterpillar at the Jew, the Jew throws the caterpillar at the Somali, the Somali picks up the caterpillar and eats it. Another caterpillar gets on the Romanian, the Romanian throws it at the Jew, the Jew picks it up and asks the Somali: "Do you want to buy a caterpillar?"

Three pregnant women were waiting in the doctor's waiting room for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for their respective babies.
Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.
"What was that?", the other two ask, curiously.
"Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby", she replies, patting her stomach affectionately.
Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting...
5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.
"What was that?", the other two enquire.
"Vitamin tablet", she replies, "Good for mommy, good for little baby" and she pats her stomach affectionately.
All 3 smile and continue busily with their knitting...
5 minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.
"What was that?" ask the other two.
"Thalidomide. I can't knit sleeves..." (Look it up if you need to.)

A woman goes out clubbing and meets a handsome black dude. They go back to her place after a night of partying and drinking.
As they're getting undressed, the woman slides up to the black dude and says, "Go on stud, show me what makes you black guys famous." So he stabs her and runs off with her purse.

What did the black woman call her 8 kids?
Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone
When she wanted to tell them apart, she would call them by their last names.

How did Helen Keller break her arm? She tried to read the speed limit on the highway.
What's the most violent book Hellen Keller ever read? A cheese grater.

Statistic: 9/11 Americans won't get this joke. But 7/7 Britains will.

Q: Why don't you ever see black people going on cruises?
A: They're not falling for that one again.

Q: What's the difference between a black man and a park bench?
A: A park bench can support a family.

Q: Why do black people only have nightmares?
A: Because the last one who had a dream got shot.

Q: What's the difference between a black man and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: How does a black woman fight crime?
A: She has an abortion.

Q: A Jewish kid asks his father, "Dad, can I have 5 dollars?"
A: His father replies, "4 dollars! What do you need 3 dollars for!"

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two Jews pulling on a penny

Q: Did you hear about the new Jewish automobile?
A: It stop on a dime to pick up a nickle.

Q: Why do Jews have big noses?
A: Free air.

Q: Why do Jews have long noses?
A: They lied about the holocaust.

Q: What's a Jewish dilemma?
A: Free bacon.

Q: What happens when a Jew with a hard on walks into a wall?
A: He breaks his nose.

Q: What's the worst thing about being a black Jew?
A: You have to sit at the back of the oven.

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

The landlord of a pub called 'The Pig And Whistle' asked a signwriter to make a new sign. When he saw it he thought that the words were too close together so he said to the signwriter “I want more space between Pig and And, and And and Whistle”.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Restoring Truthiness

In lieu of my internet post today, here is an interesting post:

Friends and Family,

You may have seen, or heard about some of those right wing conservative wingnut chain emails that talk about Obama's secret prison camps for white people, or how federal agents will sterilize you if you refuse to buy health insurance. Well, this email is the ideological opposite of those emails - a bleeding heart liberal email which aims to tug at your pocketbooks as well as your emotions.

Recall that Glenn Beck gave a speech a couple of weeks ago from the Lincoln Memorial - stating how we need to restore America to its "Christian roots." Aside from the utter failure to consider any documented history of the American religious landscape from 1776 to present, Beck was purposefully playing off recent polls that show a staggering 50% of Republicans think President Obama is a Muslim. We call this "race baiting" and it is a terrible display of fear and xenophobia that has no place in grown up politics.

There has been a movement in several online communities to get Stephen Colbert on the same steps to give a speech in character - to demonstrate to everyone just how silly Beck and his followers really are. While this movement may have started out of simple disdain for the "Tea Party" and a desire to mock Glenn Beck, it has turned into something much more worthwhile. While discussing how to get Colbert's attention, the idea was raised that the collective online hive mind should work together towards a unified show of charitable support. Thus, the "Restoring Truthiness" movement was founded.

Stephen Colbert has been an ardent supporter of the website "" - a site where teachers can post projects for which they need funding, and donors can choose to give money to the program(s) they admire the most. This is a great concept, and through the efforts of this online community the website has raised over $115,000 in Colbert's name in less than 24 hours - helping over 30,000 students get the books and school supplies they need for a quality education. Here is the "Restoring Truthiness" page on Donorschoose:

Sure, this may have started as a ruse to get the attention of Colbert, but it has turned into the largest fundraising drives that the website has ever seen. With such overwhelming success, we are now reaching out to people in "the real world" to support our cause as well, so we can continue to show that compassion and charity can trump hatred and fear-mongering.

I ask all of you to "reach deep." Your show of support is not only a rejection of the type of Politics played by Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin, but is an investment in the type of education that will produce informed, rational citizens who can themselves reject the mindless nonsense of TV "news" reporters and corrupt politicians.

I dontated myself, and now I am trying to get the message out to others, so that we can show Beck, Palin, Hannity, Limbaugh and the likes that we are above preaching hatred from the steps of the capital - That we are more interested in helping people than creating class and racial animosity within our own country.

Please donate, and please send this email to anyone who you think will listen; and let's do some good in the world.

[Written by someone on Reddit]

 - Fuck, Reddit's awesome. I've been following this since it started and damn, I would never have imagined that something like this was possible.

Spread the word. This shit needs to get done.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Ha'iku Stairs - Cleared!

 This is only a quarter of the way up.

All in all, it took ~2:20 to hike the 3,922 stairs and about an hour to get down. Security guard wasn't a problem; people were actually going up to talk with him after their hike. In total: three pictures, 61 video clips. In retrospect, I should have taken longer clips for my montage.

And a note: I do my rounds daily and picked up on the 10r/1c method yesterday (well, about 7r/1c, actually, because of people with a shitton of crap on their page that makes it take stupid-long to load). Why do I only have 6v/1c today?

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Going Hiking - Haiku Stairs

Going to hike Ha'iku Stairs tomorrow. With nearly 4000 stairs, you can see why some people call it the "stairway to heaven."

I need to get up at ~4am since I live on the other side of the island and because it's actually illegal to hike there. A guard is posted to keep people out, but he starts his shift around 6:30-7ish. Even though it's illegal, the hike attracts many visitors and hikers alike. The start of the trail is located within a residential area, and being the assholes that we are, the locals have a negative view towards trespassers. Some will even resort to damaging your car should you park nearby.

Also, I've updated my post regarding these blogs. Main points: do your rounds anonymously (in Pri-vate Bro-wsing). Our overlords love to track and look for patterns in our activity. Also, you may refresh ~10 times or so before "ticking" something. However generous you're feeling that day.

Yes, that was spelled that way for a reason. Our overlords also have a filter for certain words that will raise a red flag. Watch and be aware of what you type.

Friday, September 10, 2010

On the Internet at Work 3

"I don't know, and neither care nor have the energy to go look it up."

I'm trying out eye excercises for my near-sightedness (or myopia). It involves 'palming', covering your eyes and relaxing while imagining a pleasant situation for a few minutes and taking a five-minute break every hour or two to stare at a distant object (about 15 feet. Or meters. God damn the imperial system and the US).

"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."

Regarding a prior post, I was faced with this situation today. I work in a building with four floors, meaning four restrooms. I had to do my business, so I went up to the second-floor bathroom, the one most likely to be empty.

Not empty. Now, personally, I don't like crapping with someone in the bathroom, so I got out of there and headed to the fourth floor. Empty. I prepped the middle stall's toilet and sat myself down to do my business. It wasn't more than a few moments when someone else entered the next stall to my right. I heard the toilet seat go down and a zipper unzip.

I then heard a sound that can only be described with a word like 'explosive'. I immediately remembered my previous entry on here and had to stifle my laughter. Obviously, I wasn't going to be able to finish my business here, so I hurriedly got out of there as fast as I could, amidst the continued 'explosions'.

Maybe the guy that wrote that lives in Hawaii, too.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

This Whole Blogging Thing

Firstly, I forgot to email myself my list of stuff I found today so I could post it later at home. I apologize, I was actually busy at work today, moving a crapton of things that needed to be thrown out. It's all good; I swiped myself a computer fan and a HDD (only 15gigs, though, LOL).

Now, for the srs.

1) Stay anonymous. Always turn on Private Browsing before doing your rounds.
2) If you're going to follow me, post once (and let me know if I haven't followed you yet) so I can bookmark (see #4) and follow you back.
3) When you post, don't link your page, I will find you.
4) Try to comment about the article, at least.
5) For EZMODE, save each follower you have as a bookmark, separate them into folders containing however many pages your computer can handle opening at once. Open All in Tabs and profit. I don't know how it works for you non-Firefox users.
6) Also, this.
7) And this.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

On the Internet at Work 2

Sorry I missed yesterday. In return, double the content.
Confucius on: rough sea voyages.
"Confucius say, man stuck in sea storm with others wind up covered in sea men."
"Is there anything Confucius didn't know?"
"How to properly conjugate the word say in English."
"A wise man speaks because he has something to say. A fool speaks because he has to say something."
Charles Manson quote:
"Do you feel blame? Are you mad? Do you feel like whoosh gbab frwhab vanage geb fededge betch budch bhugiggy, beowrammage degedch gidgy gidgy gidgy bhugoogood? Ihgybegerb frgaglfagl veddedge whuraglbagga?"

Monday, September 6, 2010

On the Internet at Work

I have a lot of free time at work doing paperwork, partly because I don't get much to do and partly because I do the work too fast. I find a lot of interesting things out there, so I feel the need to share.

"Sweet, I didn't know that Obama actually met Hitler."
"They actually co-wrote a book, called "Mein Change." Sadly, it wasn't a darling of the critics."
"That's what Hitler said when the vending machine ate his money and wouldn't give him anything back."
 - I lol'd so hard at work.

"The lower class live paycheck to paycheck. Once they get money; they spend it. Any breaks to them will not equal more in their savings, but more into the economy. These are the guys who ejaculate 20 seconds into a handjob.
The middle class has slower-moving money that gets spent in the next 1-20 years on their kids education, a new house, or retirement. These guys are the average lovers, who can hold out for 10-20 minutes before shooting their cash-wad all over America's economy.
The upper class is the slowest, of course. Their children's children's children might be spending their money, and whatever money they get today goes into savings. Their businesses, however benefit most off of the lower class, who are feeding them with their quick money. The upper class is the old guy who can't come in under 4 hours unless they see something really kinky like a Ferrari or an exotic island, which will make them blow their load in under 10 seconds."

"Grammar is important. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

"I think of America as being analogous to the internet.
In theory, it is an entity born of tremendous potential for freedom of all kinds and liberty for all.
In practice, you've got the majority of people who are perfectly intelligent, yet appear to be in the extreme minority because of being drowned out by the loud-mouthed, fucking rednecks on one side and beset by burgeoning corporate interests on the other."

Saturday, September 4, 2010

The Other Game

Congratulations, you now now playing The Other Game (if you weren't already).

The Other Game is very simple:

 - You are always winning The Other Game.
 - You cannot lose. You can only win.
 - You win whenever you think about The Other Game.
 - Whenever you win The Other Game, you must proclaim, out loud, "I won."
 - After you win, you have a lifetime to feel good about yourself for winning.
 - If you lose The Game, you win The Other Game.
 - As soon as you mention The Other Game to anyone, they begin winning as well.
 - The goal is to have everyone on Earth winning.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Does anyone else hate crapping when someone is in one of the stalls next to them?

Written by plonce of reddit

OH NO NO NO NO - I actually delight in taking shits next to people.
Getting to shit in a stall adjacent another person is the only time I view my afflictions as a blessing.
Here's the thing: I have both of IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease). Because of the IBS, I have near-constant diarrhea, and the medicine I take for the GERD amplifies the diarrhea, gives me gas like you wouldn't believe, and makes my shit smell like it came from the bowels of Satan himself.
So when I get the opportunity, I play my my diaphragm, abdominal muscles, and sphincter like a Stradivarius. I like to imagine that the person next to me is an unwilling audience of one in my symphony of shit. And I relish the thought of them squirming in discomfort as they listen to my fecal cacophony, trapped in their little torture cubes until they themselves are done.
Sometimes I like to let the diarrhea balls plop slowly into the toilet for what seems to be an interminably long time. Other times I like to shoot off with the force of a rocket. When I get a juicy part and a fart bubble behind it, I tighten up my ass and force it out slowly, creating a high-pitched squeeeeeeeeeeeeeee as the juicy stomach acid creates a hideous bubbling and gurgling sound.
And then I wait. I wait as the cloud of gag-inducing vapors spreads into their stall.
I once heard a man whisper under his breath, at a nearly imperceptible volume level '...dear god...'
That fucking made my day.

"You are a goddamn artist and I salute you."

And I love my fans.
One time a guy beside me couldn't take it anymore and finally burst out laughing. And it was a great laugh too because you could tell he had been trying to hold it back for a good 30 seconds.
I rewarded him by cranking off a 2 1/2 second toot that spanned about 4 octaves. That one killed him.

Orange Dream Machine Recipe (Jamba Juice)

Orange Dream Machine Smoothie Recipe:


2 scoops frozen vanilla yogurt
2 scoops orange sherbet ice cream
1/2 cup low-fat milk (soy or rice is fine)
1/2 cup orange juice
1/8 cup - 1/2 cup of ice (not too much is needed)


Add all ingredients to blender and blend.

Difficulty: Easy
Prep/Cook: 5 minutes
Serving: 1

Yeeaahh, got the ingredients tonight. Well, I didn't exactly get orange juice. Or orange sherbert. Or frozen yogurt. In fact, I don't really know what frozen yogurt is. It's just frozen yogurt, right?

I have: 1/2 gal of orange 'drink' for ~$1 (Odd, but hell, real orange juice is ridiculously expensive at nearly $6/gal.)
           1.5L of vanilla ice cream for ~$3.50 (Can't be too detrimental to the flavor, right?)
           Six 6oz containers of regular strawberry yogurt for ~$5 (Strawberry never tasted bad in a smoothie.)

I'll try to whip up a batch tomorrow.

On a side note: Grammar is important. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Also, support. Clicks if you can spare.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

545 People

By Charlie Reese

Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

Have you ever wondered, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits,

WHY do we have deficits? Have you ever wondered, if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, WHY do we have inflation and high taxes?

You and I don't propose a federal budget. The president does.

You and I don't have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations. The House of Representatives does.

You and I don't write the tax code, Congress does.

You and I don't set fiscal policy, Congress does.

You and I don't control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.

One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one president, and nine Supreme Court justices equates to 545 human beings out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.

I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress. In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered, but private, central bank.
I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason. They have no legal authority. They have no ability to coerce a senator, a congressman, or a president to do one cotton-picking thing. I don't care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash.

The politician has the power to accept or reject it. No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator's responsibility to determine how he votes.

Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing you that what they did is not their fault. They cooperate in this common con regardless of party.

What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall. No normal human being would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and criticized the President for creating deficits.... . The president can only propose a budget. He cannot force the Congress to accept it.

The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating and approving appropriations and taxes. Who is the speaker of the House? Nancy Pelosi. She is the leader of the majority party. She and fellow House members, not the president, can approve any budget they want. If the president vetoes it, they can pass it over his veto if they agree to.

It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300 million cannot replace 545 people who stand convicted -- by present facts -- of incompetence and irresponsibility. I can't think of a single domestic problem that is not traceable directly to those 545 people. When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise the power of the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist.

If the tax code is unfair, it's because they want it unfair.

If the budget is in the red, it's because they want it in the red ...

If the Army & Marines are in IRAQ , it's because they want them in IRAQ.

If they do not receive social security but are on an elite retirement plan not available to the people, it's because they want it that way.

There are no insoluble government problems.

Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish; to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate and from whom they can take this power.
Above all, do not let them con you into the belief that there exists disembodied mystical forces like "the economy," "inflation," or "politics" that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do.

Those 545 people, and they alone, are responsible. They, and they alone, have the power.. They, and they alone, should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses. Provided the voters have the gumption to manage their own employees...

We should vote all of them out of office and clean up their mess!

Charlie Reese is a former columnist of the Orlando Sentinel Newspaper.