Thursday, September 23, 2010

On the Internet at Work 5

I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” -- Mahatma Gandhi
 
Redditor on rude people at the movies: "I was at the midnight opening of The Dark Knight at a place which was dedicating 8 screens to it. Each room holds 300 people. 2400 people got in, and another 200 or so got turned away.
 
Before the movie started, the manager went into each theater and offered this speech. "Tonight is a complex sellout. That means we sold 2400 tickets for 2400 seats. There will not be an empty seat in the house. There will be no saving seats for friends that don't exist or dumping your coat or your bag in a seat next to you. Right now we have 8 people in the lobby who are telling me they have no place to sit. The movie will not start on any theater until they are seated. Also, turn off your cell phone now. If your phone rings, you start talking on it, or you start texting on it we will stop the movie and kick you out without a refund. I'm turning away 200 people who want to see this movie more than you do. A handful have elected to stick around and wait for some jackass who really doesn't want to be here to prove it. Am I making myself perfectly clear? Enjoy the movie."
 
The movie started 5 minutes later. Not a peep or slightest annoyance from the audience. It was a thing of beauty."
 
Replies - "That manager sounds like a bad-ass. Can we get him to run for office?"
 
"Yes, absolutely. "Stop speeding now. If you speed, tailgate other drivers, or behave aggressively on the road, we will stop you from driving and kick you out of the state without your car...Am I making myself perfectly clear? Enjoy the drive."
 
"There are millions of people in other countries waiting for you to break the law because they want to be here more than you do. Am I making myself perfectly clear? Enjoy the citizenship."
 
"There are billions of animals waiting for you to say or do something stupid because they want that brain more than you do. Am I making myself clear? Enjoy your existence."
 
"The are trillions of inanimate objects that are waiting for you to waste time on inane things because they want that consciousness more than you do. Am I making myself clear? Enjoy your sentience."
 
"There are innumerable people who are waiting for you to make a grammar mistake on the internet because they want to appear more literate than you. Am I making myself perfectly clear? Enjoy your choice of words."
 
 
"I'd just like to point out that Pope Benedict is an anagram of Epic Bent Pedo. That is all."
 
"One day I was forced to fill out some paper work. I started writing, everything's going alright, and then I noticed that I was going to have to write someone's name down. I'm writing their name until I hit the letter q, and I completely froze. I then proceeded to try 'p' and 'g' to see how I felt about those, before finally remembering how to write a 'q' properly. Weird day."
 
"Statistically speaking, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy."
 
Note: Relax, guys, I'm still at it. I expect you to do the same.

8 comments:

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