OH NO NO NO NO - I actually delight in taking shits next to people.
Getting to shit in a stall adjacent another person is the only time I view my afflictions as a blessing.
Here's the thing: I have both of IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease). Because of the IBS, I have near-constant diarrhea, and the medicine I take for the GERD amplifies the diarrhea, gives me gas like you wouldn't believe, and makes my shit smell like it came from the bowels of Satan himself.
So when I get the opportunity, I play my my diaphragm, abdominal muscles, and sphincter like a Stradivarius. I like to imagine that the person next to me is an unwilling audience of one in my symphony of shit. And I relish the thought of them squirming in discomfort as they listen to my fecal cacophony, trapped in their little torture cubes until they themselves are done.
Sometimes I like to let the diarrhea balls plop slowly into the toilet for what seems to be an interminably long time. Other times I like to shoot off with the force of a rocket. When I get a juicy part and a fart bubble behind it, I tighten up my ass and force it out slowly, creating a high-pitched squeeeeeeeeeeeeeee as the juicy stomach acid creates a hideous bubbling and gurgling sound.
And then I wait. I wait as the cloud of gag-inducing vapors spreads into their stall.
I once heard a man whisper under his breath, at a nearly imperceptible volume level '...dear god...'
That fucking made my day.
"You are a goddamn artist and I salute you."
And I love my fans.
One time a guy beside me couldn't take it anymore and finally burst out laughing. And it was a great laugh too because you could tell he had been trying to hold it back for a good 30 seconds.
I rewarded him by cranking off a 2 1/2 second toot that spanned about 4 octaves. That one killed him.